A Life of Gratitude

A Life of Gratitude

Collin Leong, February 2, 2020

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. In love He predestined us for adoption as His sons through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of His will" (Eph 1:3,5)

On February 6th 2020, I'll be going for a surgery at Tan Tock Seng, NNI, to remove a 5.7cm tumour from the left frontal lobe of my brain.

The "benign" tumour was discovered in April 2016, when I was diagnosed with an unrelated disorder called Myasthenia Gravis (MG), which is an auto-immune problem affecting my muscles. Basically, my own antibody was blocking the receptors at the neuro-muscular junctions, preventing signals from the brain to activate the muscles properly. The symptoms include double-vision, droopy eye-lids, numb tongue, difficulty to chew and swallow, shortness of breath, and general weakness of the neck, arms and legs.

For this problem, they removed my thymus (with an 8 inch cut down my chest) as they thought it could be related. It did not help. All I could do was to take 10-80mg of steroids depending on the relapses. It would be for life, as there is no cure.

They found the tumour in my brain when they did an MRI as a precautionary scan in 2016. It was measured at 4.1cm at that time. Each year I went back to do MRI to see if the tumour would grow. Though it was growing, I procrastinated the surgery as there was no other symptom caused by the tumour, other than headaches if I swing my head from left to right aggressively.

However, the neurologists said I can experience seizure or paralysis if the tumour presses on the "wrong" areas of my brain. They even told me not to drive, which I of course did not listen! Randomly, I did feel some temporary numbness on the right side of my body for several seconds.

It was a difficult choice to choose surgery, as I did not want it to affect my work and career. However, after consulting the Lord in late 2019, I felt the peace to get the surgery done and leave the rest to Him.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." (Exodus 14:14)

I was made aware that the tumour is not a foreign object, but part of my brain which had gone wrong. The functional MRI scans showed red-indicators inside the tumour where part of my verbal and creative capabilities sit.

According to Dr Sharon Low, my neurosurgeon, there is a 5% chance of me losing the capacity to speak or to understand language. To ensure that this doesn't happen, the surgery will be done while I am awake, so that she can talk to me as she removes the tumour. If I am unable to speak, then she will stop the procedure.

Sounds scary, but hey, what other chances can you get for being awake while someone pokes into your brain? I look forward to the experience! After the op, there is a strong likelihood that I will have to go through radiotherapy on my brain over the next few months to ensure that the residues do not grow.

There is an extremely slim chance of death, about 1%, due to bleeding or other problems. I'm not afraid of death. I believe the Bible when it says: "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Phil 1:21). What I am afraid of most, is to be in a half-vegetable state, and burdening others to take care of me and to continually spend money on me. If that happens, I hope there is a way for them to remove life support and let me with the Lord sooner.

I have lived a full life, and I am extremely grateful to the Lord for saving me, and giving me wonderful friends and the opportunity to see places. I couldn't ask for more.

Nevertheless, I am very positive God did not take me all the way here, having sustained me through so many years of having the tumour growing in my head, to let me go this way after the surgery. I believe that God will want me to "go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me." (Phil 1:22). I hope the experience will change my heart and my life so that I can live more fully for Him.

Sense of Gratefulness

I have many things I want to thank God for, other than the precious salvation He destined for me with the sacrifice of His Son's life on the cross. This itself is sufficient for everything, as eternal life has been given to me regardless of what pain or pleasure I may have in life. If you do not know this wonderful gift, I hope you will seek it out with your heart.

Sovereignty of God

Despite my recent chaotic life, He had continued to sustain me, and I must say I enjoyed Him in a much deeper and closer way. He always makes things work out for the good of those who loved Him, despite my constant failure in keeping a straight line of obedience.

Because of this, I am very confident He will pull me through without major complications. I am saying this not as a guilt-trip for Him to honour my words. He is sovereign, and if not for his overwhelming love, none of our lives will be worth His care, nor would He give the life of His son. I am only certain that whatever comes after post-ops will be something that benefits me and others as well.

I believe that God's grand plan is not as simple as blessing one person over another. There will be those who are considered to be more "fortunate" as in their life seems to be more smooth sailing. Others will have challenges that we cannot understand. Many of my faithful Christian friends have difficult diseases and passed away prematurely.

From our view, it is random chance how life will turn out. But from God's point of view, it is "the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to bring all things in heaven and on earth together in Christ." (Eph 1:9)

So if this is His plan for all of us, there is really nothing to complain about, even if we suffer under the trials of fire.

Support of True Friends

Horses live in herds to increase their sensitivity to danger and to support each other through behavior of affection. Just like them, we do not know who we will be with together. We may never be together forever, but we are faithful and do what we can for those God put in our presence.

When one is in pain, or is sick, we pray and care for them. Where there is a need, we use whatever financial or spiritual gifts God had prepared for us to assist. We are God's instruments to make things bearable for them at that time, and to enjoy God's pasture for that season. This is true religion.

"Isn’t this the fast that I have chosen: to break the chains of wickedness, to untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and tear off every yoke? Isn’t it to share your bread with the hungry, to bring the poor and homeless into your home, to clothe the naked when you see him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?" Isaiah 58:6-7.

I know I have failed in so many ways in doing this for you and others, and I hope I shall improve over time, and not be so "self-centred." But what you had done for me, I have immense gratitude. You have been there at the right time, since my childhood days in Kota Bharu, to my schooling days in North America, and throughout my career in Singapore. You gave me encouragement, prayer support, even slaps on the wrist. In one way or another, you changed me over time. You made me who I am.

Sharing of Family Love

Most creatures do not stay long in families. Foals are weaned from their mares after six months. This could have been one way for God to design human families. Yet, lessons are learned from staying with a nucleus family for decades. The lessons of joy, trust, security, disappointment, forgiveness, acceptance, independence, and letting go. At the end of the day, the love through everything - even tragedies - must remain in our hearts.

Children at some point will find their own ways, and they become an individual in God's eyes. They answer to God and to God alone. Our time with them was to make sure we give them a strong foundation in God's word, and to be a good example of how to treat your spouse and others.

"Teach them to your children, speaking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates, so that as long as the heavens are above the earth, your days and those of your children may be multiplied in the land that the LORD swore to give your fathers." (Deut. 11:19-21)

I also have more failures than success in this area, and yet it shows God's faithfulness to make sure things turn out for the good, as long as we have tried our best, and as long as they do not choose evil in their free will. We have two wonderful children - Oliver (now 22) and Natalie (now 19). They will grow on from here. I remember all the great times we had. I would not give them away even for longer life.

Conclusion

I don't want to keep this long. In many ways, our lives are never perfect. I want you to know that though everything that had happened was not your ideal, it is OK. For God makes it alright at the end. Do not give up!

We all have that one longing - to be in "paradise", which merely means to be in our immortal native home, where God first conceived us and gave us a perishable body to experience life that we can never experience without pain, disappointment, hurt and sickness. For if it was possible, then Christ (God Himself) did not have to become human and go through the same.

Let us be contented and grateful, and rejoice in taking that ride underneath His loving wings.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” (1 Cor 15:53-54)

All Photos From Xinjiang, China. August 2019